What risk does intimacy want from you?
In her recent book Lean In, Sheryl Sanberg encourages women to face challenges, take risks, and pursue their goals with gusto.
She focuses on career, where our culture says the reward is.
But leaning in in relationships can be just as daunting and juicy.
We want intimacy and yet we avoid it.
We long to be seen for who we really are,(in-to-me-see)
but we stay busy and unavailable…even to ourselves.
It’s our habits that keep us conveniently disconnected.
We hide out in our busy-ness and cram too much into every day.
There’s so little time for self-reflection… or truly intimate connection with anyone else, for that matter.
What’s up with that?
Why are we so awkwardly hesitant to be truly intimate in our relationships
– with ourselves, someone else, or the world?
What risks are we afraid to take?
What truths are we afraid to say?
What challenges do we avoid, hoping the problem will magically disappear?
Maybe the truth will rock your world… or your relationships.
Being truthful is hard sometimes.
But, it’s often the things that aren’t said that create the distance.
We will let a friendship slowly fade into memory before we’ll take the risk to share what we’re really feeling. We’re afraid to be that vulnerable.
We’re afraid we’ll mess things up.
We’re afraid of their reaction.
Lots of fear here, even if we’d rather call it something else.
But truth, though sometimes down right terrifying, is much less debilitating than dishonesty or hiding out in illusion or distraction.
It’s truth that brings a feeling of connection with others, and deep within, as well.
There’s a surprising aliveness and freedom we feel when we’ve been courageous enough to let ourselves be seen.
I learned this lesson some years ago from a dare Mama Gena gave to 250 women in NYC in her School of Womanly Arts.
We were to flirt with a stranger before returning to class the following day.
Flirting, for Mama Gena, was simply enjoying yourself in front of someone else.
I was so terrified at the thought of such a thing that I forgot all about the assignment
until I was about to dash across 59th street to class the next morning,
having just grabbed a quick breakfast at the food cart on the corner.
I scanned the street, looking for a possible victim for my first fumbling attempts at this kind of flirting.
I did not think I would enjoy myself, that I was sure of!
In despiration I remembered the young man I’d just seen at the food cart.
He was gorgeous. And those eyes….!
I felt scared and vulnerable.
But instead of flaking on the challenge, I turned back to him, leaned in to my awkwardness, and said,
“I just want you to know that I think your eyes are beautiful.”
I felt a little ridiculous.
It was a risk.
What would he think?
Yet I watched this young man’s cool-guy bravado melt away as his face softened
and he sputtered out the “thank you” of a sweet, shy 8-year-old.
For a moment, despite differences of age, race and culture, we were connected.
And that felt amazing!
How often we miss out on this kind of joy!
We notice something, yet so rarely say what we’re thinking.
I’ll probably always be working with my hesitancy to trust myself and the situation enough to say what’s true. Because, let’s face it, some truths will rock our worlds.
Yet practicing leaning in to the fear has deepened so many of my connections that it’s becoming positively addicting.
It’s the intimacy I must have to feel alive.
I have a challenge for you….
Try experimenting this Memorial Day weekend.
Surprise someone with a bit more of yourself.
And watch how you’re affected.
How did it feel?
Share with us below, to inspire us all.
She focuses on career, where our culture says the reward is.
But leaning in in relationships can be just as daunting and juicy.
We want intimacy and yet we avoid it.
We long to be seen for who we really are,(in-to-me-see)
but we stay busy and unavailable…even to ourselves.
It’s our habits that keep us conveniently disconnected.
We hide out in our busy-ness and cram too much into every day.
There’s so little time for self-reflection… or truly intimate connection with anyone else, for that matter.
What’s up with that?
Why are we so awkwardly hesitant to be truly intimate in our relationships
– with ourselves, someone else, or the world?
What risks are we afraid to take?
What truths are we afraid to say?
What challenges do we avoid, hoping the problem will magically disappear?
Maybe the truth will rock your world… or your relationships.
Being truthful is hard sometimes.
But, it’s often the things that aren’t said that create the distance.
We will let a friendship slowly fade into memory before we’ll take the risk to share what we’re really feeling. We’re afraid to be that vulnerable.
We’re afraid we’ll mess things up.
We’re afraid of their reaction.
Lots of fear here, even if we’d rather call it something else.
But truth, though sometimes down right terrifying, is much less debilitating than dishonesty or hiding out in illusion or distraction.
It’s truth that brings a feeling of connection with others, and deep within, as well.
There’s a surprising aliveness and freedom we feel when we’ve been courageous enough to let ourselves be seen.
I learned this lesson some years ago from a dare Mama Gena gave to 250 women in NYC in her School of Womanly Arts.
We were to flirt with a stranger before returning to class the following day.
Flirting, for Mama Gena, was simply enjoying yourself in front of someone else.
I was so terrified at the thought of such a thing that I forgot all about the assignment
until I was about to dash across 59th street to class the next morning,
having just grabbed a quick breakfast at the food cart on the corner.
I scanned the street, looking for a possible victim for my first fumbling attempts at this kind of flirting.
I did not think I would enjoy myself, that I was sure of!
In despiration I remembered the young man I’d just seen at the food cart.
He was gorgeous. And those eyes….!
I felt scared and vulnerable.
But instead of flaking on the challenge, I turned back to him, leaned in to my awkwardness, and said,
“I just want you to know that I think your eyes are beautiful.”
I felt a little ridiculous.
It was a risk.
What would he think?
Yet I watched this young man’s cool-guy bravado melt away as his face softened
and he sputtered out the “thank you” of a sweet, shy 8-year-old.
For a moment, despite differences of age, race and culture, we were connected.
And that felt amazing!
How often we miss out on this kind of joy!
We notice something, yet so rarely say what we’re thinking.
I’ll probably always be working with my hesitancy to trust myself and the situation enough to say what’s true. Because, let’s face it, some truths will rock our worlds.
Yet practicing leaning in to the fear has deepened so many of my connections that it’s becoming positively addicting.
It’s the intimacy I must have to feel alive.
I have a challenge for you….
Try experimenting this Memorial Day weekend.
Surprise someone with a bit more of yourself.
And watch how you’re affected.
How did it feel?
Share with us below, to inspire us all.